This is a pretty accurate graph, I must say.

There’s something special about Lifetime stalker movies.

It’s not the acting—the acting is almost always laughter-inducing. It’s not the plot—the plot can sometimes veer off into “What exactly were they ingesting and/or smoking when they wrote this script?” territory. It’s not the characters—the characters are never all that relatable.

But even with all of these elements, the classic Lifetime stalker movie is guaranteed to be amazing. It’s hard to explain how such terrible movies could be great. They just are. And every time I discover one airing on TV, I will watch it.

The Basic Ingredients

Every Lifetime stalker movie has four elements:

• The Victim
• The Stalker
• The Cop
• The Continuum

The Victim, usually either a naïve teenage girl or an unsuspecting woman, is the protagonist. She has an active, social life. She enjoys meeting new people. She is usually successful or on her way to success. For some reason or another, she’s captured the attention of The Stalker (our antagonist). The Stalker is almost always a handsome, attractive man. The kind of guy you wouldn’t think would be The Stalker. Until you realize there’s something a little off with his personality.

The Cop usually appears in the last half of the movie. He is always sympathetic to The Victim. But, as in life, sometimes he is not always able to help The Victim. The Stalker is almost always clever enough to get around the letter of the law, much to The Cop’s frustration.

The Continuum is the basic stalking progression: introduction, friendship, advance, resistance, escalation, and threat.

To help explain the Continuum, we’ll use one of the best: Eye of the Stalker. Basic premise: college student stalked by creepy older man. Watch out for spoilers.

Hi. I'm Beth. My life is about to be upended by a crazed stalker.

The Introduction: College student and aspiring photographer Elizabeth “Beth” Knowlton meets pseudo-lawyer-type Stephen Primes at a restaurant. Primes engages Knowlton by complimenting her photography and then asking if she’ll take his portrait (he “needs” some business photos).

The friendship stage: Knowlton has a professional relationship with Primes. He plays the grateful customer, paying her way too much for her services and continuing to complement her work.

The Advance: Repeated run-ins at Knowlton’s work. General creepiness factor appears.

The Resistance: Knowlton tries to tell Primes to go away while still being a nice person about it. He doesn’t get the message.

The Escalation: Repeated phone calls. Gifts left on her doorstep. He breaks into her apartment while she’s not there. He becomes hostile to her boyfriend. She hires a private investigator to scare Primes away because the police are unable to do anything.

The Threat: Actions during The Escalation cause Knowlton to move out of state and change her name. Primes becomes even more obsessed and vows to find, marry her. He begins harasses another Elizabeth Knowlton, confusing her with his obsession.

It’s during The Threat stage where we see physical violence occurring toward The Victim. This leads to the ultimate confrontation and the wrapping up of the story. Because it’s lifetime, the story ending usually features The Victim overcoming The Stalker (unless it’s based on a true story—then she might not be so lucky).

Grading the Movies is Half the Fun

Is there a backstory? How did The Continuum play out? Did the plot rush through to the physical violence stage? How creepy was The Stalker?

These are all things to consider when grading a Lifetime stalker movie. I’ve watched some movies where it starts in the middle of the stalking and doesn’t explain how it all came about. I’ve seen movies where the characters meet, the interactions get a little creepy and then BAM!—he’s coming at her teary-eyed and a butcher knife in his hand while insisting that we are meant to be together forever! They’re trying to keep us apart, but you know our love is too strong!

Eye of the Stalker earns an A. It’s the Lifetime stalker movie standard. If you’re wondering which movie to start with, I’d suggest that.

Some other Lifetime stalker movies you should watch off the top of my head:

• Moment of Truth: Stalking Back
• The Obsession

I remember the first time I told my mother that I would be going to see a movie… alone. “Why would you do that?” She asked. “Don’t you have a friend you’d like to go with?”

Ok, so maybe those weren’t her exact words. It was some time ago, and I am not Sherlock Holmes. But it brings up a question: why do some people find it difficult to go see a movie alone?

It’s not like sitting in a restaurant by yourself, where all the other patrons will stare as you pick at your food and wonder why you didn’t bring a book to read. At the movies, everyone is looking at the screen. There’s no talking (hopefully). There’s no interaction with other people, save for the ticket guy, the concession workers and those people who prefer the aisle seats.

I don’t mind going to see a movie by myself (and it always makes me feel like a V.I.P. when I go to an early matinee and am the only person in the theater). So I put the question into Twitter’s capable hands: “I’m curious as to your opinion: Is it perfectly normal or just plain weird to go to the movies by yourself?” I received some great answers.

blueberrychica: I think it’s pretty fantastic if your comfortable enough with yourself to go to the movies by your self

rodgermclane: Oh yea, I would do it only if I was in a Longview size movie theater or bigger.

blueberrychica (after rodgermclane tweeted): yeah @rodgermclane does have a point. Alone in a small town theatre makes me think of pedophiles

newsjunkie365: Oddly, I think it depends on where you live. City like New York? Perfectly normal. The burbs? A little weird. Thems the rules.

samanthaurban: I do it all the time, but I find it’s less awkward for others during the day than at night.

It’s clear that the size of the theater (and the town it’s located in) matters to some. That’s not so hard to see. Bigger theaters lend more anonymity to its patrons. Were a person to go see a movie in a small town’s theater, such as the double screen theater in my hometown of Carthage, it might be awkward. Undoubtedly, you’d know everyone in that small town theater, and they’d probably be wondering why you’re alone.

I don’t think this is the definitive answer. Some people just like to go to the movies with other people. Others are more comfortable with the idea that you can go alone. One of the best things about the theater is that you’re seeing a movie with other people (some strangers, some familiar), but I don’t think we should think it’s weird for people to go to the movies by themselves. Most of the time, there’s going to be a lot of people watching the same movie anyways.

No magic crabs. Poster FAIL.

Simply Irresistible I think Sarah Michelle Geller’s in this one. The basic summation? Magic crabs (the animal–get your mind out of the gutter) turn a bad cook into the owner of a highly successful restaurant owner after the death of her mother who always knew how to add just the right ingredients (much like how I became the number one meth dealer in my neighborhood after MY mother died, leaving me with no talent for meth-making). Throw in a weird, awkward love story. But mostly don’t forget the magic crabs.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Or really, it’s any Sabrina movie that doesn’t involve Audrey Hepburn. When I was about 8, these movies were DA BOMB! But then I grew up. Now I’ll watch them for nostalgia’s sake. Or if I’m bored. The TV show? I still watch that with some mild interest. Though it varies as to whether I prefer the older or newer shows. That means high school or college. The show definitely jumped the shark after she left college.

Dante’s Peak This movie really doesn’t suck, and it’s actually quite factual in the way it depicts how a volcano erupts. But the whole sulfur/acid lake scene just scares the life out of me. Which means it looses like 30 points on my scale. I’m a big fan of The Golden Girls, so it kind of makes me think that Sophia is sacrificing herself for Phil’s kids. A. Sophia is my favorite. B. Why would she sacrifice herself for Phil’s kids? They’re Phil’s kids.

Someone Like You This is a new movie to my collection, as I just watched it on Hulu this weekend. The plus side? Hugh Jackman! I also enjoyed the whole cow theory angle. That was good, until you threw the rest of the story in with it. Which means Ashley Judd falls in love with Greg Kinnear. Boy breaks up with Girl. Girl can’t get over him. Boy wants Girl back. Girl considers going back (does, for like a date or two). Girl finally realizes Boy is crap. Girl falls in love with Hugh Jackman.

Yes, I just posted a shirtless Hugh Jackman on my blog.

Get Over It I’ll admit it–I used to love this movie. Now, it’s just OK. Except for the scene where the faeries dance. That’s still awesome. What can I say? It’s fun to be a fairy.

I know, I know. The shame! The horror! Why are you even keeping this blog?!

I guess I should explain: The Internet… it had a conniption on my laptop. Therefore I couldn’t access my blog except via my brother’s computer. Which was painful. Mostly because the spacebar didn’t work properly. Sure, he doesn’t mind that hiswordsstick likethisontopof one another. But that kind of thing bothers me, you know?

But apparently, you guys just went nuts while I didn’t have 24/7 access to the Internet.

Michael Jackson? The scary-looking white woman who used to be a black man? Sold out concerts. Facebook? That whole Twitter-jealousy complex just took a “Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! turn” for the worse.

I sincerely wished that I could have blogged last week. There was that ill-fated Twitter twour. The feelings that I’ve outgrown Carthage for good. Or there could have been reviews of Push or He’s Just Not That Into You. 

All’s well that ends well, I guess. Thanks to Twitter, I wasn’t totally cut off. But it sucked when I couldn’t watch videos and follow some links from that. And I missed my Internet routine–the places I frequent on the Internet for which my browser has handy bookmarks.

So this is my apology post. I’ll be sure to update soon (and often) to make up for my hideousness last week.

I can’t really explain why I find Lifetime movies so appealing. Or why I DVR’d a bunch of them over the break. Or why I’m going to summarize them in this blog post.

But I enjoyed watching them.

And Never Let Her Go: Young, vibrant woman dates local high-profile attorney. Who happens to be married. And dating another woman as well. YVW disappears and LHPA becomes suspect numero uno in her murder, but police have a hard time trying to get evidence. Will he be arrested? Oh, and it’s all based on a true story.

Lethal Vows: John Ritter (!!) stars in this eerie tale of a divorced woman who suspects her ex-husband is poisoning her and his new wife. But how? Why? Also based on a true story.

Armed and Innocent: 11 year old boy is home alone when three burglars break into his house. Unbeknownst to the bad guys, this 11 year old is in the house, has a gun, and thinks they’re going to hurt him. He ends up killing two of them. But in this small town with traditional values, how will he cope with post-traumatic stress disorder when everyone around him is calling him a hero? And two bad guys* are out for revenge? Also based on a true story, but I couldn’t find a link to the real deal.

*Bonus points for James Short, who is THE MOST ridiculous looking bad guy I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t stop giggling at all the really dramatic scenes featuring him. The hair, the demeanor, the clichés. The entire movie is worth seeing just for him.

Don’t Talk to Strangers: Pierce Brosnan’s in this film. Basically a couple gets divorced (the cop father is a drunk), and the mother gets their son (full custody). Father harasses them. He wants to see his son. Mother gets remarried to charming stranger (Brosnan). They decide to move away from Father, but this takes a turn for the worse when someone is stalking them on the drive to CA (the Father?!?). This has a surprise twist ending (Maybe Brosnan was a little TOO charming?). I don’t think this was an actual Lifetime-produced movie, but it certainly belongs on the network.

A Loss of Innocence: Again, not sure if this is Lifetime-produced. It’s actually more Hallmarkish. (Found out it’s ABC. Who knew?) Set in 1920s Utah (Mormons). Local girl falls in love with local guy (she thinks). Local guy’s half-brother (famous pianist) returns and falls in love with local girl. LG and FP have affair. LG is scared, marries local guy. Will local guy find out about that one afternoon? Will LG and FP ever be together (they love each other!)? Why did LG forget to pack local guy’s red hunting jacket (Those Salt-Lakers are trigger happy). The movie ends with guilt, revenge, hope and screams of frustration (from me). I did not like the ending. At all. WHY DID IT END THAT WAY???!?!

True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet: Hollywood “it” girl (alcoholic, Lindsey Lohan-like blonde) goes to rehab. Then whisked off to Fort Wayne, Indiana under an assumed name (to recover). Starts high school, lives with “aunt” (mom’s old friend). Can she survive? Will the paparazzi find out? And what’s the big deal with discount clothing stores? Be prepared for a rushed ending. I mean seriously, I was getting worried my DVR didn’t record the end (there’s only 10 minutes left–how can this wrap up?!). But it did.To my dismay.

And there you have it. I’m positive I watched more Lifetime movies than I’ve described here, but I can’t recall them. And I have yet to watch Ultimate Deception, a movie about a husband and wife who can’t have a baby so the husband goes out and kills a woman for her child. It’s uber-classic Lifetime because it stars Richard Grieco, who is also in another great UCL movie that features stalking, abuse, and all that good UCL movie plot.

Overall, it was good. Average. And if you’re the type of person who likes to go to the movies to watch a light-hearted film (like my mother), you’d probably give it a high rating.

Those of you who go to watch films that are provocative or arty or whatever, stay away.

I can’t say it was “like OMG the BEST movie EVER!!!!!!” The storyline felt a little rushed at the end when it wraps up the life of Emma (which in my opinion would have been a better storyline in the first place). And you know how the commercials for the movie seem funny? Well in the movie, it’s not as funny because they’re all spaced out. Overall, I mean. The moments themselves are sometimes hilarious.

Oh, and I swear one part was a total homage to Bring It On.  Ricky Coo is TOTALLY Sparky Polastri.

Go on, see for yourself. It’s true. It’s even got the same music.

Now the real question: why would anyone want to pay homage to Bring It On? Even though it did play a pivotal role in my life, as well as countless others who were pre-teens at the time it came out.

• Frequency (Dennis Quaid! Action! Serial Killer! Ham Radios!)
• Pretty Woman: “Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don’t; but keep on dreamin’ – this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin’.”
• Beautiful: Remember Hallie Eisenberg (sp)? The former child star? (Also: Beauty Pageant)
• Drop Dead Gorgeous (Another Serial Killer! Another Beauty Pageant!): The only drawback is that after you watch the movie, you’ll want to speak in a Minnesotean accent.
• St. Elmo’s Fire: Post-collegiates (Georgetown!) embark on journeys of self-discovery. (Also: Andrew McCarthy! Emilio Estevez! And the big-nostriled Judd Nelson. Seriously, his nostrils are huge!)
• View from the Top: Inspirational story of flight attendant

For a while there, I thought I was one of the only ones to use “B movie” anymore. But back to my own review.

Was the best of M. Night’s work? No. I’m partial to Signs and The Village (no matter how much everyone else thought that movie sucked.) Common denominator? Joaquin Phoenix. Can’t go wrong there, M. Night. But Marky Mark was good too (a chuckle for 90s references, teehee).

But it was still one of the better movies I’ve seen in an actual theater in a while.

I won’t give away the ending. But it was decent. I wish he had incorporated the disappearing bees more. That would have been a good twist.

The main plot was captivating, but not fully developed. It was like one of Shakespeare’s groupies tried to write Romeo & Juliet himself. Or better yet, it was something the writer of Romeo + Juliet would do (oh, how I despise that movie).

I also wish he had left out some of the gore. I mean, come on. We get it: people are committing suicide. We don’t need to see it so much. It’s kind of implied, M. Night. That’s how you got an R rating and “B movie” status.

What happened to you, M. Night? You’re starting to lose it–that magic touch that all your early movies had.

Maybe it happened when you did that SciFi “documentary.” They brainwashed you. After all, SciFi is the master of B movies.

I won’t speculate further. Instead, I encourage Mr. Shamalamamamlamama–whatever his last name is–to get to work.