Meredith Shamburger

Higher Education today is expensive. I think all college attendees can attest to this fact. For four years, SMU is costing me around $120,000. To put that in perspective, it’s slightly cheaper than Harvard (and with less financial aid–since the big H has a huge endowment).

So what’s a girl to do? I’m not a daughter of a world-famous, filthy rich rockstar. My parents don’t own a multi-billion dollar business. Luckily, I’ve got a good imagination, which has helped me come up with a rather extensive list of things I can do.

Scholarships: This one’s pretty straightforward. You write the essay, we’ll give you money (if it’s good enough). Pros: It’s not that hard, and sometimes the money is good. Cons: Too many applicants, not enough money to go around.

Loans: Again, straightforward. You fill out an application, we’ll see if you qualify and saddle you with massive amounts of debt. Pro: You get money now. Con: You have to pay it back… with interest.

Get a Job: While college itself is often a full-time job, sometimes getting a real job is necessary to pay for that all too expensive education. Pros: You learn responsibility, time management, and the benefits of not having to work in the food and/or retail industry for the rest of your life. Con: You might have to buy the uniform.

Sell Your Firstborn Child: Babies can be big bucks, so I’ve learned from the Lifetime Movie Channel. Plus, firstborn children are always in demand when you bargain with demons. Pro: You don’t have to change diapers. Con: You just sold your firstborn child, heartless traitor!!!!

Selling Organs: People need organs. You need money. A + B = Happy Compromise. Barbara from Michigan can live; you can pay tuition. Pro: Who needs two kidneys anyways? Also, you’d lose a couple of pounds in the process. Con: What if your only kidney shuts down or it turns out a family member could have used it?

Become a Drug Dealer: Things that are addictive tend to lead to lucrative business ventures. Pros: You get to meet a lot of people, such as crack addicts or Colombian drug lords. Cons: It’s illegal. You could go to jail. You could get knifed by a crackhead or shot by a drug lord.

Donate Sperm or One of Your Eggs: Financial security these days is all about letting other people in on your healthy and normal reproductive system. Pros: For guys, it’s pretty easy to do, and you can do it often. For girls, it could mean a lot of money. Cons: You might one day meet your biological offspring and never know it. For girls, the whole ordeal is extremely complicated.

Reality TV: It’s the new get-rich-quick scheme. If you don’t win Survivor, there’s always becoming the next Speidi. Who doesn’t like a media whore? (Me, that’s who. But do you really care?) Pros: Money. Possibly lots of it. Cons: Invasion of Privacy by Photographers and Gossip Bloggers. Also, you have to pay taxes on any winnings (See: The First Survivor Winner).

Win the Lottery: A recent winner received well over $300 million. Now THAT’S some serious dough. You could pay for college, buy three houses and a yacht, AND still have change left over for alimony from your gold-digging spouse. Pros: Money. Money. Money! Cons: What are the chances you’ll actually win the lottery? Hey, at least you’ll be contributing your hard-earned money to the state (in Texas, doesn’t lotto money go to fund education?).

Steal the Money from Old People While They Nap: It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby. Provided, of course, that the old person you’re stealing from has money. Pro: Quick cash. Con: It’s illegal. And downright mean.

Insurance Fraud: Oops. You didn’t mean to burn your house down. But lucky for you, there was a big, fat insurance policy to cover it! Pro: It gets you money. Con: It’s also illegal, and there’s a greater chance of you getting caught than getting away with it. Also, who wants to fill out all those forms?

Armed Robbery: Give me the money or I’ll blow your head off! Pros: You don’t have to quit your day job, and you get to carry guns. It’s like a video game! Cons: Illegal, you’ll get caught, and it can get messy. Plus, unless you’re willing to devote all your energy to figuring out how to rob a casino, you’ll end up at some 7-11, where the take is only $40 or so.

Learn to Count Cards, then Head to Vegas: It’s not illegal! Pros: Blackjack can be fun, and you can drink while you make your money for college. Cons: There’s a good chance you could end up with two broken legs and a one-way ticket out of Vegas for good.

Solve One of the Millennium Problems: The Clay Mathematics Institute is offering anyone $1 million to solve some of the world’s greatest math challenges. Pro: It’s $1 MILLION! Con: These problems have stumped generations of mathematicians.

Blackmail: It’s as easy as one, two, record. Pro: This one could lead to a lifetime of fiscal security. Just because you’ve already received a sizable lump sum doesn’t mean you’re done blackmailing. As long as you keep the evidence in a secure place. Con: Your victim might not pay and could alert the police to your less-than-honorable activities.

Smuggling: It worked for Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind; why can’t it work for you? Pros: You give people what they want (at a considerably gouged price). The adrenaline high is also a bonus. Who wouldn’t get a rush sneaking across enemy lines to deliver goods to people who can’t get it themselves? Or if you live near a the Mexican border, you can help desperate people find a new life and the American dream. Cons: It’s pretty illegal, and people don’t like to be gouged on prices. And Rhett Butler ended up with a dead child and an uncaring wife  who realized her good fortune too late. Frankly, dear reader, he doesn’t give a damn. But I bet he’ll try to persuade you to find another method of paying for college. You shouldn’t have to end up like him.

Piracy: If you’ve been following all the action off the coast of Africa, you know what I’m talking about. Pro: It’s practically a cinch. Cons: This is no place for morals or regards for UN aid to Africa. Don’t even think about it if you’re prone to motion-sickness.

James Randi’s Million-Dollar Challenge: Got paranormal abilities? Able to prove it under scientific experimentation repeatedly? Then you’ve got yourself an easy million. Pro: Paying for college is sooo easy. Not to mention, you’ll become famous. Cons: No one’s passed the initial test (NO ONE. And you have to pass the initial test to even think about doing the actual experiment). And you’d actually have to have paranormal abilities. That’s not something you can develop easily.

Sell a Celebrity’s Used Kleenex on eBay: Why not? Pros: Lots of money and possible media attention. Cons: You’d have to dig through their trash (not to mention actually touch the used kleenex).

Inherit Money from a Rich Uncle: Hey, it could happen! Pro: Seeing your name in a will is THE BEST! Cons: It takes a lot of time to buddy up to the old crone. And then it’s not 100% that you’ll end up in the will (unless you forge a new one!).

Become a Porn Star:  If you like sex and are reasonably attractive, this avenue is for you. Pros: Sex. Lots of it. Also, notoriety. Cons: STDs, the inability to run for public office, and the chance that a relative or close friend could see you naked and doing the deed with some random porn star (how do you think THAT would help you at Thanksgiving Dinner?).

Become a Prostitute: It is the oldest profession in the world, after all. Pros: There’s the sex. And you’d be meeting new people by the hour. The ability to work as your own boss. Cons: STDs. Weird clients with weird proclivities. Jail. Loss of self-esteem.