You know things are bad when Republicans start using the phrase “My bad.” It gets even worse when they make their theme song “I Will Survive.” But I guess they’re trying their hardest to not end up like the Whigs.
Cause when a political party dies, it gets messy. What’s the new party? What cool name can we give them? How can we convince the Libertarian party that it will never be a top-2 party? And what about the mascot?
Clearly, this can’t happen. And in fact, Republicans are saying everything is fine. (Isn’t that what married couples say just before they get divorced?)
WASHINGTON (CNN) – Capping off a day of conservative soul-searching, strategizing and navel-gazing at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced Thursday that the Grand Old Party is “alive and well.”
Steele, addressing CPAC’s Presidential Banquet, told the audience that “the conservative movement must become a revolution,” and the goal “must be nothing less than the transformation of America.”
“Tonight, we tell America that Republican values, conservative values, are right for America,” he said, admitting that the party has made some mistakes. “Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad. But we go forward in appreciation of the values that brought us to this point.”
The Republican Plan:
- Find a leader like Obama. (Perhaps a certain Louisiana governor?)
- Develop a stronger base.
- Maintain the party.
- Get elected.
- Fix things. Like, now. In Congress and nationwide. The goal: more Republicans than Democrats in everything.
- If can’t find a leader like Obama, amend the Constitution to allow non-American born citizens the right to become President.
- Once amended, go after Arnold.
- Once Arnold is secured, proceed to win every election in every state after a hard-fought campaign laced with movie clips and old pictures of him as a bodybuilder.
- Once election is secured, rejoice.
- After celebration (but not too much celebration–you’ve got a job to do!), don’t forget to pay homage to the GOP. Secret ceremonies commence!
