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So basically you can stop reading now. Unless you’re a huge lifetime movie fan. Then you’ll understand.

I can’t really explain why I find Lifetime movies so appealing. Or why I DVR’d a bunch of them over the break. Or why I’m going to summarize them in this blog post.

But I enjoyed watching them.

And Never Let Her Go: Young, vibrant woman dates local high-profile attorney. Who happens to be married. And dating another woman as well. YVW disappears and LHPA becomes suspect numero uno in her murder, but police have a hard time trying to get evidence. Will he be arrested? Oh, and it’s all based on a true story.

Lethal Vows: John Ritter (!!) stars in this eerie tale of a divorced woman who suspects her ex-husband is poisoning her and his new wife. But how? Why? Also based on a true story.

Armed and Innocent: 11 year old boy is home alone when three burglars break into his house. Unbeknownst to the bad guys, this 11 year old is in the house, has a gun, and thinks they’re going to hurt him. He ends up killing two of them. But in this small town with traditional values, how will he cope with post-traumatic stress disorder when everyone around him is calling him a hero? And two bad guys* are out for revenge? Also based on a true story, but I couldn’t find a link to the real deal.

*Bonus points for James Short, who is THE MOST ridiculous looking bad guy I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t stop giggling at all the really dramatic scenes featuring him. The hair, the demeanor, the clichés. The entire movie is worth seeing just for him.

Don’t Talk to Strangers: Pierce Brosnan’s in this film. Basically a couple gets divorced (the cop father is a drunk), and the mother gets their son (full custody). Father harasses them. He wants to see his son. Mother gets remarried to charming stranger (Brosnan). They decide to move away from Father, but this takes a turn for the worse when someone is stalking them on the drive to CA (the Father?!?). This has a surprise twist ending (Maybe Brosnan was a little TOO charming?). I don’t think this was an actual Lifetime-produced movie, but it certainly belongs on the network.

A Loss of Innocence: Again, not sure if this is Lifetime-produced. It’s actually more Hallmarkish. (Found out it’s ABC. Who knew?) Set in 1920s Utah (Mormons). Local girl falls in love with local guy (she thinks). Local guy’s half-brother (famous pianist) returns and falls in love with local girl. LG and FP have affair. LG is scared, marries local guy. Will local guy find out about that one afternoon? Will LG and FP ever be together (they love each other!)? Why did LG forget to pack local guy’s red hunting jacket (Those Salt-Lakers are trigger happy). The movie ends with guilt, revenge, hope and screams of frustration (from me). I did not like the ending. At all. WHY DID IT END THAT WAY???!?!

True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet: Hollywood “it” girl (alcoholic, Lindsey Lohan-like blonde) goes to rehab. Then whisked off to Fort Wayne, Indiana under an assumed name (to recover). Starts high school, lives with “aunt” (mom’s old friend). Can she survive? Will the paparazzi find out? And what’s the big deal with discount clothing stores? Be prepared for a rushed ending. I mean seriously, I was getting worried my DVR didn’t record the end (there’s only 10 minutes left–how can this wrap up?!). But it did.To my dismay.

And there you have it. I’m positive I watched more Lifetime movies than I’ve described here, but I can’t recall them. And I have yet to watch Ultimate Deception, a movie about a husband and wife who can’t have a baby so the husband goes out and kills a woman for her child. It’s uber-classic Lifetime because it stars Richard Grieco, who is also in another great UCL movie that features stalking, abuse, and all that good UCL movie plot.